Quitting bad habits

I've had a lot of bad habits in my life.

I started smoking at 14 and have done so on and off since. I successfully hid that habit from M for most of our marriage (6 or 7 years?). That took a lot of effort on my part (and a lot of paranoia).

I did my fair share of exploration in college but settled primarily on the gateway drugs for about a year. Stopped that monkeying around (with some dramatic consequences - it is addictive!) as soon as I graduated.

Food: developed that addiction 4 years into my marriage with M, in order to battle my depression. M's religious beliefs included the one that depression is not a disease, it is a curse and thus needs to be treated spiritually, not medically. I did not share that opinion, and did not, do not , believe in the devil... So I swept it under the rug and covered it up in layers of ice cream, pastries, cakes, french fries etc. 

Assholes: yep... If you ask me what my type is, the first thing that comes to mind: emotionally unavailable, narcissistic assholes. Bonus points if they are tall, dark and mysterious (mysterious = not a 100% involved/there).  No wonder I have a hard time finding anyone attractive these days. Life has taught me that the ones I want are bad for me, and I still have not been able to walk away from that immediate attraction.

So here I am today: No drugs. I just quit smoking and feel great!(2 weeks today), and working on the food issues (that will be a long work in progress!).  So how do I deal with the assholes?

Well, I could swear men off completely. I'd love to. The only problem is that I am... well... needy. Haha. Sorry for beating around the bush (no pun intended!). The eternal curse of HOPE is still upon me. One day, I hope to meet the right guy, one day I hope to be able to have a healthy relationship, one day I hope to be loved the way I deserve.

To get that, I need to break the asshole habit. How? I keep saying that if I ever find another partner he will need to be a friend and then a lover. The issue is that once I form a good friendship, I am no longer romantically interested. I know I am over thinking this, but in a way that is as close I can get to it.

You see, I have no free weekends, no kid free nights, really no adult time at all. The only break I get are the two Fridays a month, from 7 -10 p.m. Total of 6 hours a month. What are the chances of meeting someone new - none. It takes more than that to maintain even the semblance of a friendship with my existing friends, let alone meet someone new. 

I don't know what is worse, being eternally alone and secluded, or happening to meet someone new and not being able to cultivate that friendship. So I grind my teeth and move forward.

I figure now is the time to focus on me. I can break the bad addictions I have now. I can focus on building good habits now. I can take the time to loose the depression weight now. Somehow, in my head, I think that life will sort itself out if I focus on doing right by me. And when it does, I hope I don't screw it up and I hope I break the asshole addiction.

Swine Flu Fears at Work

I work in a wonderful company, with a great mission. I love my job.

One, and only one aspect that used to bother me was the impression that all of my coworkers were germ-a-phobes, and that whenever you happen to sneeze (god forbid it was an actual cough!) people would move away and tell you to go home.

Now, in the context of N1H1 I have started to appreciate the buckets of pocket sized hand sanitizer that sit on each counter, the plug in UV filters, and the fact that people go home BEFORE they actually look sick.

Despite all that we have had 3 confirmed cases of the N1H1. I glad that everyone will be okay, but concerned both about my kid and about the couple of co-workers who are expecting mothers.

Last night Lil A' came down with vomiting and upset tummy. It sounds like to rotovirus but I found myself Googling information in the N1H1 anyway.

I came across a great site where you can enter your symptoms and it will let you know how soon you need to see your doctor and if you may have the N1H1. Additionally it is great as you can print out the questionnaire and give it to your doctor.

Here is the link for everyone else worrying about this at the first sign of a fever/sore throat (insert whatever symptom comes to mind): https://h1n1.cloudapp.net/

The Joy of Puppy Breath

I am not impulsive. I am a planner. My head is constantly swirling with plans for the rest of the day, plans for tomorrow, plans for the future. The must haves, the wants, the some days and the bucket lists (I must remember to share those one day).

More and more I have found it necessary to be more impulsive, and flexible about life. I think it is the nature of single parenthood. You just never know what is around the corner. And yet, I still struggle with feeling out of control when my life does not follow my plans.

But, here is one impulse I am so happy about:

Last Saturday, quite unexpectedly, I found myself the new owner of a gorgeous little (ok, he is HUGE for his age) 8 week old LabX puppy. Lil A immediately named him and the two have been inseparable. That evening I was in disbelief of my own impulse and shocked to have taken such a huge step that will affect our lives for the next decade, at least. But lil A's brimming joy was enough to put me at ease knowing i had done a good thing by him.


I have never shied away from responsibility, but I had forgotten how much work a puppy can be! He is adorable and so smart and has learned Sit and Down already (took him less than a day to figure it out). So there is the reason why I have neglected writing for a week. I have had my hands full, and have truly loved it.

The world is changing

Photo borrowed from: Here

The world is changing.

Such a simple statement encompasses so much.

The world around me is changing: the weather, the economy, the environment, the workplace. My son is changing day to day, growing and viewing everything around him with new eyes. Politics and perceptions are changing. Fashion, pop trends, technology are all changing. The days of the tape (us oldies had music on those things) and the VHS are over.

And here I am, standing still, dizzy as the changes spin round and round me. I know I am supposed to move with them but I am frozen in awe, unable to move.

Today, I promised myself I am going to move forward. Aside for the fact that I need closure and an end to my marriage with M, I need to dig myself out this financial hole that seems to bring me down.

You see, I make a decent living. $88K a year should get me pretty far, but instead I am poorer then I was 10 years ago when I was but a waitress making $20K a year. I want to blame it all on M (The house I did not want to buy - foreclosed; the car I did not want to buy - upside down and owe 30K on it; the credit cards I warned him not to use; the IRS debt because he did not change his withholding after losing the house; the state tax debt; all of it), I know that although he was the one that wanted all of these things, I participated, even if through the fact that I did not stop it, in all of that spending. Here I am, carrying the burden of it.

My car registration is due in 2 weeks. It is almost $500. I am at a loss how I am going to make that happen. I have no emergency fund, I empty my accounts less than 3 days after every pay period. This is just not right. So, today is the day of change. Something needs to change, somehow.

M and I got into a discussion on divorce. As usual he thought he could manipulate the conversation. He wanted me to come by his house to see what the papers looked like. I told him I did not need to. I have had them sitting on my laptop for a year. He asked me if I wanted to file. Hell yeah! He insisted on asking again. Yes, I am 100% sure. I can't afford to do it now, but can file by November. At this point I still read his line of questioning as a sign he was finally on board with doing this. Sadly I was wrong.

A while into the conversation I realize that he wanted me to look at the papers thinking it would dissuade me. The finality of it. The legality of it. I found myself re living the same conversation (different topic) as before: Telling him plain and simple what I wanted and him not accepting it. I must have said I want to end this nightmare a few times. I know I said I want a divorce at least 20 times. And still he pushed on.

He asked me to wait.
How long? I wondered out loud.
A few years, he had the nerve to say. I can prove to you I can be a good friend.
What does friendship have to do with staying married?

That is when he made it clear: He can only be my friend and cordial and communicate with me if the chance that we can get together is there. A chance I am not willing to offer.

I tried to tell him the two have nothing in common, and that, if he wanted my friendship, it is that very chance I needed to close, before i could let him in even a little bit. It is the very thought that if I were to invite him to join us for dinner, for example, he would (and has in the past) take it as a sign that I am open to letting him back into my life, that stops me from offereing him my friendship. I am not willing to lead him on into his hope, in the name of friendship. I will never be with him again.

The finality of these types of statements don't seem to phase him. Instead he urges on, as if I had conceded.

Initially I told him I would file by November 30th. Somehow he managed to push back enough where I found myself giving him till February. I kicked myself for doing that, as in that very act I know I gave him the strength to push more. I know come January he will be back into asking me to postpone.

2 days later he announced to me that he is getting a second job during the days that he cares for Lil' A. He says that he will take Lil A the night before and return him at the end of the next day, while leaving him in the care of my sister in law during the day. I panicked. You see, I am a working mom and the only times during the work week I have with my child are the evenings. I am not willing to give up 10 evenings a month in order for my son to be cared for by a distant relative.

To top it off, M also informed me that he will be going to school full time and working full time starting January. That means he will no longer care for Lil' A the 10 week-days a month he has until now. He 'graciously' offered me $250 a month towards A's pre-school costs.

I am starting to wonder if M has some mental disease, some disconnect with reality. I have a hard time believing that anyone who asserts himself as a caring, loving father, as a man who supposedly wishes to get his wife back, can be so downright selfish. Perhaps that is why he needs me back. So he can use me as a fluffy carpet to walk on when his toes are cold.

So there, change is gonna happen and I can sit there stunned and let the world whirl by me, or I can be more active and involved in the change itself.

I have lived my life with the idea that every person is good and that what you dish out is what you get back. And yet, those who are closest to me, or were, have proven that thinking to be wrong.

My coworker told me it is time for me to be selfish and do what is right for me. I have spent every moment of my life giving to others, supporting, listening, compromising. I don't know how to be selfish, I don't want to and don't know how to stomp on others to get what I need. And yet, come January I have to. I have to change.

Resolutions

Photo borrowed from: Here

On this day, 32 years ago, I was born. I don't really remember most of my birthdays. I do remember my 5th at my grandma's house. A huge group of kids and family and every single present i got was a book. The one thing I really wanted , a barbie, was only reserved for the privileged few kids in Bulgaria who had connections to the west. My family was not one of them. That birthday remains memorable and I can piece it together from beginning to end.

The next birthday I remember was in 1997. It fell in the begining of the first quarter and I had assumed few friends would remember. I scheduled my wisdom teeth extraction on that morning and rode my bike to and from the dentist's office. On arrival back in my dorm I was greeted by the loud "SURPRISE!" complete with champagne and strawberries. Most of those friends are now spread throughout the US and out of touch. And yet, I treasure that memory.

In 2002, M took me to the Carnelian room and presented me with a brown purse and matching boots in a Wilson Leather box. Earlier that morning he had, for the first time, called and spend an hour on the phone with his co-worker and the first woman to over-shadow us, since we had gotten married. I had told him, before he called her, that that was going to be the beginning of something bad for our relationship. A premonition that proved to be true.

Just like M's love for me, the boots and purse were but wrapped in the expensive box. My friend, a week later had purchased the same pair and bag from Payless shoes.

The following years were but a blur of restaurants and aplomb, while i sat quietly, grinding my teeth, irritated by the pretense, frustrated by the denials, annoyed by the gestures that proved my husband a hypocrite.

Today, I forgot it was my birthday as did my two closest friends. My Facebook page reminded me, with an out pour of support and good wishes from folks i have not seen in over 15 years, friends from my kindergarten days (25 years ago!), and e-friends from various pet and parenting online groups. My father emailed me a brief HBD, and all the best. A gesture, I suppose, intended to shame me for not doing the same for his.

So here I am, wondering what next, where to and why? Looking back I realize I have always been lucky to have good friends, and always unlucky to not have been able to keep them with me, near me. Perhaps I should focus on being better about keeping in touch, about being more dedicated to making a real connection with people, about not being alone.

Regardless, this day is one I have dreaded since my teenage years, and in moments of deep depression it has been a day i have cursed many a time. My Birthday resolution, this year, is that going forward, my birthdays will be joyous, and filled with good friends. No more staying home alone, no more pretending this is something bad, no more feeling like there is nothing there to celebrate.

Going forward, I resolve, to never find myself as I do today: ALONE (capitalized!), insignificant, forgotten by all, even me.

Hostile-Agressive Parenting

Photo Borrowed form: HERE

Real life has a way of overpowering any of this. And it has again. After spending a week out of work suffering from the worst flu ever, i have had one heck of a terrible weekend. And the nightmare seems to have just started. M is on a rage bender and I am the primary target. Its all passive aggressive in its exhibition which makes it all the more subtle and hard to document. Once i can calm down and be objective i will post the situation. Right now, my head is spinning and I am vacillating between fear and need for action.

I found a site that defines most of what is going on.

http://www.canadacourtwatch.com/fjrc/hostileparenting.html


I had never heard of HAP (Hostile-Aggressive Parenting), but my situation fits with 85% of the examples given. Too bad the CA court system does not recognize HAP (a leading cause of Parental Alienation Syndrome in kids). And, from personal experience, the non-custodial parent (as in my case) can be the aggressor as much as the other.

I am at a loss of how to proceed. Things are hellish right now. One thing I am certain of... I need to file for divorce ASAP so as to get a proper custodial order. God.. I need a $$ miracle!