Resolutions

Photo borrowed from: Here

On this day, 32 years ago, I was born. I don't really remember most of my birthdays. I do remember my 5th at my grandma's house. A huge group of kids and family and every single present i got was a book. The one thing I really wanted , a barbie, was only reserved for the privileged few kids in Bulgaria who had connections to the west. My family was not one of them. That birthday remains memorable and I can piece it together from beginning to end.

The next birthday I remember was in 1997. It fell in the begining of the first quarter and I had assumed few friends would remember. I scheduled my wisdom teeth extraction on that morning and rode my bike to and from the dentist's office. On arrival back in my dorm I was greeted by the loud "SURPRISE!" complete with champagne and strawberries. Most of those friends are now spread throughout the US and out of touch. And yet, I treasure that memory.

In 2002, M took me to the Carnelian room and presented me with a brown purse and matching boots in a Wilson Leather box. Earlier that morning he had, for the first time, called and spend an hour on the phone with his co-worker and the first woman to over-shadow us, since we had gotten married. I had told him, before he called her, that that was going to be the beginning of something bad for our relationship. A premonition that proved to be true.

Just like M's love for me, the boots and purse were but wrapped in the expensive box. My friend, a week later had purchased the same pair and bag from Payless shoes.

The following years were but a blur of restaurants and aplomb, while i sat quietly, grinding my teeth, irritated by the pretense, frustrated by the denials, annoyed by the gestures that proved my husband a hypocrite.

Today, I forgot it was my birthday as did my two closest friends. My Facebook page reminded me, with an out pour of support and good wishes from folks i have not seen in over 15 years, friends from my kindergarten days (25 years ago!), and e-friends from various pet and parenting online groups. My father emailed me a brief HBD, and all the best. A gesture, I suppose, intended to shame me for not doing the same for his.

So here I am, wondering what next, where to and why? Looking back I realize I have always been lucky to have good friends, and always unlucky to not have been able to keep them with me, near me. Perhaps I should focus on being better about keeping in touch, about being more dedicated to making a real connection with people, about not being alone.

Regardless, this day is one I have dreaded since my teenage years, and in moments of deep depression it has been a day i have cursed many a time. My Birthday resolution, this year, is that going forward, my birthdays will be joyous, and filled with good friends. No more staying home alone, no more pretending this is something bad, no more feeling like there is nothing there to celebrate.

Going forward, I resolve, to never find myself as I do today: ALONE (capitalized!), insignificant, forgotten by all, even me.