I have always believed the saying "what you saw is what you reap". I have tried to live my life with that assumption, and always try to approach the people around me with kindness and compassion. Most of the time my efforts go unacknowledged (which is okay with me). Where M is concerned, the currency for kindness seems to be stress, and humiliation.
I am starting to wonder is I am an all around pushover. I wonder if people read my compassion, my kindness and wish to help, as a weakness to be exploited. Why is it, that in most of the relationships I form in my life, I end up being taken for granted, walked all over, sucked dry, chewed up and spat out?
Honestly, I wish I knew how to be a mean, selfish, begrudging woman. My life would be significantly improved.
There is something in me that urges me to help when someone is in trouble. My friends say that it is the mother in me, but I was always like that, in college, in my teens, in my youth. So there is no surprise that despite everything M has done, despite the trouble he has been causing for me, when he needs help I offer.
Yesterday it was help in writing a practice essay for a placement test he is taking. I dropped everything I needed to do, drove over to his house, and tried to get him involved.
I helped him sketch an outline of his essay and the argument he is making. He kept getting distracted. It was obvious that, despite the inconvenience for me, he was not really set to do what was needed. I felt like he was wasting my time and good will. And then he got a phone call. "I'll be right back," he said and walked out of his apartment. Over an hour later, frustrated, I walked out and went home. He had still not returned.
This morning, I lent him my car since his was not working. I felt I had no choice since I wanted to make sure Lil' A is safe. He treated me in a way and spoke to me in a manner that left me feeling furious, humiliated and stupid for helping him.
Maybe this is it? Maybe this is happening in order for me to learn how to be a selfish? To teach me not to let anyone take advantage of me, to teach me that kindness does not pay.
I am starting to wonder is I am an all around pushover. I wonder if people read my compassion, my kindness and wish to help, as a weakness to be exploited. Why is it, that in most of the relationships I form in my life, I end up being taken for granted, walked all over, sucked dry, chewed up and spat out?
Honestly, I wish I knew how to be a mean, selfish, begrudging woman. My life would be significantly improved.
There is something in me that urges me to help when someone is in trouble. My friends say that it is the mother in me, but I was always like that, in college, in my teens, in my youth. So there is no surprise that despite everything M has done, despite the trouble he has been causing for me, when he needs help I offer.
Yesterday it was help in writing a practice essay for a placement test he is taking. I dropped everything I needed to do, drove over to his house, and tried to get him involved.
I helped him sketch an outline of his essay and the argument he is making. He kept getting distracted. It was obvious that, despite the inconvenience for me, he was not really set to do what was needed. I felt like he was wasting my time and good will. And then he got a phone call. "I'll be right back," he said and walked out of his apartment. Over an hour later, frustrated, I walked out and went home. He had still not returned.
This morning, I lent him my car since his was not working. I felt I had no choice since I wanted to make sure Lil' A is safe. He treated me in a way and spoke to me in a manner that left me feeling furious, humiliated and stupid for helping him.
Maybe this is it? Maybe this is happening in order for me to learn how to be a selfish? To teach me not to let anyone take advantage of me, to teach me that kindness does not pay.
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