Discovery after 10 years: It is not my fault - Part 1

Image borrowed from HERE

About M. I am angry but relieved. I am uncomfortable dealing with the pain of the last week or so right now... so I will seep out the life-altering event a little at a time as I am ready.

BTW, I named M as in (Manipulator). It fits him well.

Here are some reflections on the past. The headings I borrowed from an article on Sociopaths.

THE LAST 10 Years.

The Superficiality of Image

Image was the most important thing to him. He drove a race car and dressed "European". He was often called a metro-sexual. He always had the funds to get the latest Bekham like haircut (but not to see a movie with me or take A anywhere). In public he was the doting husband, while in private berating me for not dressing well enough, for my hair, my make-up for anything out of place to the stranger's eyes. He exaggerated every fact of anything material that he had. Even when we bought a new car, a 2005 Land Rover, he told the world we got a 2006 Range Rover. Nothing real was ever good enough and appearance of affluence and perfection was expected. The celebrations of occasions, always in public, were always intricate and flamboyant.



The Absence of Feelings


One of the first things I had noticed about him after we married was that he was unable to have any empathy for people or animals. Sympathy was but an act. It took the smallest thing to provoke him into anger. A passive, mean, cruel anger. He was vengeful, and would often have temper tantrums like a child. There was no conversation. Everything was turned on me, and no matter what happened it seems I was the one apologizing at the end. He hated conflict, avoiding it by walking away, hanging up, leaving the house and turning his phone off. I learned to bottle everything up and walk on egg shells. He manipulated every situation to get what he wanted and used me to do so.

The Relentlessness of Deception

He lied to me. All the time. A pink daisy often became a huge red rose.

One missed call became, i called you like 30 times! There were lies about nothing of consequence. Lies about grandeur that did not exist, exaggerations of the smallest detail of daily life, and fanciful stories where ever you looked. Those bothered me beyond belief. They were no white lies. They were needless lies. Then there were the lies about the past. It took all 10 years to dig the truthful grain that his 'history' was built from. And the BIG lies. The whats, whens and whos that covered up for the cyclical need to have romantic encounters with whoever was the latest accessory of the month (mostly co-workers). Caught out in one lie, he would turn it on me and make me feel like I was crazy, unstable, controlling and jealous. When some truth was gleamed out, his indiscretions were always my fault somehow. I did not dress right, I was too skinny (and later too fat) etc.



With time I became obsessed in gathering all the lies and finding a way to confront him so that he would have no choice but to come clean. To this day, I have not succeeded.

The Impulsiveness of Action

He never planned ahead. Everything was immediate, on a whim, and unexpected. It was impossible to have him commit to anything: A dinner with friends, a movie, a ride back home from the abortion I had the 2nd year we were married. He would say he'll call me and disappear for hours. Each offense to me, each act, was blown off, was explained away, was broken into bits of additional lies. The most extraordinary stories were backed by intricate details and the conviction of truth. Every promise made was broken and I was always the crazy one for feeling so. He lived so in the moment that I remember spending many a night alone peeking out the window at every car passing by to see if he was home and doing so 3 nights in a row. His phone was, conveniently, out of battery. And then, I was the crazy controlling wife, for worrying about what I believed was my partner. He was always superior and his actions always justified in his head. The fault always mine.

No More Whinging

I serve a purpose. I am needed. I love those who need me.

I am powerful. I make my own choices. I own my choices.

I am determined. I will do what is necessary. I will achieve.

I am giving. I will share my joys. I will pour out everything I have.

I am worth it. I am happy. I am.

 

Image taken by me Sat, March 6,2010 

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I draw strength from the words above, written in a different blog by me less than a month ago. I hold the knowledge I can be and I can do anything I put my mind to it. It is a knowledge I am determined to pass onto my son.

I have been re prioritizing much of the junk in my head lately. I have determined it is time to do what makes us (A and I ) happy. I have built a list of the little things that make our lives better. The ocean, once again, is the top of that list.

We had not been to the coast in a while. We had dropped our summer custom of driving there on a whim, running through the sand, falling in the waves, stopping at the Princeton Company for a cup of hot clam chowder and "camalari" (Lil A's favorite!), and then driving home, drenched, wind blown, the sea air and sand stuck in our hair, warmed up by the blankets in the car. The silence in the car as I navigate the windy HWY 92, reflects the sweet, satisfied sleep Lil'A usually melts into. We get home, drained, exhausted and completely satisfied.

Happiness is a dog on the beach; Chil playing 3.7.10

Saturday, almost as warm as a summer day, was the perfect opportunity to renew this summer ritual. We drove to Montara state beach, me, Lil'A and Chil (our dog). The anticipation grew as we got closer. The sun was out and the weather was truly perfect. Four hours flew by as if in a moment. We rolled in the sand, A wrote his name on the sand and watched the waves erase it, eliciting many giggles form him. Chil chased invisible toys along the sand, dog and ran and hopped like a bunny. I re-discovered how much I love photography.

Montara state beach is conveniently tucked away, making it rarely visited. Its serenity, wildness and moodiness overpower you in such a way the t you forget your daily worries and become a purely sensory being. The wind, the smell, the birds hanging in the air without movement held there just by the wind, the huge breath taking waves, the feeling as if you are completely alone there, make this spot so special!

My little guy 3.6.10

Our lease expires in November. I promised A and Chil (who panted, drooled and plopped down on seat in the car to nap, in approval) that we are moving to a little 2 br house in Montara at the end of this year. Knowing that it is possible gives me a feeling that i can only call pure elation!

Yesterday we went back. It was completely different. Windy, cold, cloudy, grumpy. We drove away after a few hours of running in the cold drizzle on the beach, my resolve to move there now strengthened. I have never found so much peace and purpose concentrated in once place.

Image taken by me 3.7.10, Montara State Beach

  

Destination: Known; Rout: Undetermined

I have been so busy! Who knew that a puppy would be so much work? We have out first training session on Sunday with a trainer who came highly recommended. Link to follow the full report. 
Pup is getting fixed in a couple of weeks too (God, please let that calm him down just a bit!). Meanwhile, the little potato we had less than 4 months ago is now a 50lb ball of muscled energy. I foresee myself looking for a single family home in November when my lease expires. My place is just too small for the three of us. Especially if the dog keeps going like this... I'll be lucky if he stays at 70-80 lbs when he is fully grown.. my guess is ... probably more. I love me a big hammy pooch!

In other news, I have been mulling over the concept of finding direction in life again. This meant re-evaluation my goals (I should say, re-establishing as I think I had lost complete sight of them till now). I had to sit down and seriously evaluate where I am now, and how I saw my future. I do not mean my personal situation as much as career wise. For once, I had to break out of the MOTHER box and think about ME.

I am a glorified secretary. Executive Assistant. Ha! I never intended to be that. Never thought in a million years when I graduated from my Ivy League school with my BA i would fall into this particular area of work. The thought of being 40, or 50 and still doing this, makes my head spin. It makes me dizzy, weak at the knees and utterly hopeless. I am so far from where I should be!

Of coarse, If i am to ever move forward I need to know where i should be. I need to establish a positive destination.

Thinking back on my loves, likes and dreams in college, I realize I cannot really align myself with them today. I am a very different person now. There is one thing only that persists. It is the fever, passion, love and need for interaction with all things African.

The happiest year in college was the year I finally managed to gather the courage to focus on something outside of what my parents had expected me to do. Post Colonial African Literature (for my English Major) and African Art (for my Art History Minor). That one year, while in Oxford, I was in education heaven, despite the fact that while I was supposed to be studying James Joyce (as my dad was led to believe), I was deeply immersed in Ngugi wa Thiong'o.

There was something about the fact that all of his books touched on the need for identity, the confusion of identity via colonialism and the loss and corruption of cultural identity that really resonated for me. These were themes that, although not of tribal background, and not necessarily affected by colonialism, I felt I was dealing with myself. Ngugi was but a gateway into a variety of deeply engaging, rarely studied in the west, African voices who kindled my passion for Africa even more.

So here I am, 10 years later, stumbling back and forth, wanting to find meaning and passion in my work life and a purpose to "skip to work". The closest I have come to that is indirectly. My company currently works to make a difference in many developing countries. India and more recently Africa (yes I know Africa is not a country! Identifying the region more narrowly would give up too much at this point).

I support people who are constantly traveling back and forth between these continents -- people who bring forward many fascinating ideas and solutions that are deeply needed to the issues. My only resentment about my job is that I want to be an active part of this, I want to be in the field seeing the need and knowing I am contributing to the solution, I want the high touch interaction. Living vicariously through the co-workers I support is just not enough for me.

 Photo by my good friend Alexandra Huddleston

So here I am. Destination found, via business school. BUT, rout unclear. Sure I know the relevant steps. Study hard, take the MCAT, apply, and study, graduate, and then re-evaluate direction to destination. The map is clear. But how does one get there, when they are unable to walk? I have carried the books for the MCAT prep class in my bag for days. I keep wistfully pulling them out, petting them, craving the time to go through them. They are like a long distance lover. There, comforting, in my head, but far from tangible and reachable physically. After two weeks of planning to study, i have found a total of 30 minutes. That is ridiculous. And not for lack of trying.

So now I am mapping out the steps to learn to walk so I can start the journey to my destination.

Dog training, check. Adjusting kid/dog schedule. Getting kid to bed at a decent hour ( ahh here is the rub of it... If i can get this done, i can make 2 hours in my day. Good lord, that's a battle with the kid!).

Next steps, start seeing what my work network can accommodate for me in terms of getting more business experience.  The loong trip ahead seems so glorious. Please think of me, and give me strength to take these first steps. Once I start walking, I can push through the obstacles in the way. It is the start, that defines the journey. As long a sI am sitting here, I am not going anywhere.

Busy times, happy times

Life has been a bit crazy! With the kid, and the puppy and work semi annual project winding down, i have had little time to write. The project now over, Christmas looming around the corner, and almost 2 weeks off of work, I am feeling happy.


Christmas will be a my house this year. Just me, Li; A' and his dad. Most of my friends think it is weird that i let M so far into my life. Sometimes even I wonder if i am insane to do so. However, having mom and dad together over special holidays makes Lil' A so happy! So there.

All the Christmases during my marriage have been such a big deal. All of M's family and extended family, his mother cooking, in laws taking over the kitchen, it has all been overwhelming for me. A perfect Christmas for me is what my parents and I used to do. Cook a big fat steak, or Kuftete (Bulgarian meat patties fried and served with red onions, home made french fries (with crumbled feta on top) and all kinds of fatty, unhealthy fried things. Some surni (similar to Dolmas, but ground meat in cabbage leaves -- YUM!) as appetizer... ok wait.. I am hungry and got distracted...

I was saying that Christmas was always a nice rich meaty meal, with a bottle of wine, just immediate family, on the beach in Australia (where mom and dad live), or in the back yard, surrounded by various strays I adopted in Zimbabwe.... not much ado, presents optional, a Christmas tree - rare. Just sitting down, relaxing and preparing for the new year.

Well, with a 3 year old, that version of Christmas is practically impossible, but I am still having it on my terms. At home, in my cozy 680 sq ft apartment, with just Lil A and M. A and I got a Christmas tree and decorated it all in white and red. He picked out a cute candy cane ribbon that we put around it. Its perfectly understated and charming. Under the tree there are about 10 presents. One I gave myself (yay! I finally get something I want!), one for M, one for the puppy (hooray for naturally stuffed furry, squeaky toys), one for the kitty (A window sill bed! oh the joy and comfort!) and the rest for Lil A.

For food we are having New York steak, garlic mashed potatoes, roasted bell peppers, asparagus and broccoli and bacon salad. Dessert remains a mystery:P but I am sure I will get inspired.  A nice bottle of wine to top it all off. Some Christmas jazz in the background and voila! A cozy Christmas. No big fiasco, no crazy relatives (aside from M! ha!) and a quick end to it all. I am tempted however to hire a Santa to stop by.

A has picked up the concept of Santa from somewhere... daycare perhaps. I know neither M nor I have encouraged that... so it would be nice to see his eyes when Santa shows up. Interestingly enough I was not able to find any Santa delivery services. Perhaps an interesting business venture to consider?

Oh, and a non sequitur, but I am growing more and more in love with our dog.

He is growing like crazy and is already about 40 lbs. He is such a smart boy and aside from the fact that he needs to constantly chew on something, he is a sweetheart.

I love all the loose skin he has that he needs to grow into. It folds around his shoulders and head. When he is trying to figure out what is going on, his floppy ears perk up and three wrinkles (they are the opposite of wrinkles, maybe more like folds of skin) appear on his forehead.

His lips droop well below his bottom jaw and he often looses treats in his mouth (usually later located by me as the fall out when he sleeps upside down, and his lips flop open).

He has the most soulful eyes. Always looking so sad, so experiences, so intelligent.

And, he needs to be next to me, no matter what. Needless to say, sleeping in his crate has been overturned and now, much to the chagrin of my cat, he spoons with me all night long.

I am crazy about the dog!

Time is never enough

I feel like I never have enough time.

I keep thinking of some Success/motivation lecture I heard a long time ago (Was it Suze Orman?). To be successful, she said, one needs to be clean and organized. Wow! No wonder i feel like such a failure, I laughed back then. I am not laughing now.

Imagine this:

Main Ingredients: A 680 sq ft apartment. Me, 1 dog (a 11 week old puppy at that!), 1 cat (long haired) and an active 3.5 year old.

Now throw this in: 50 hrs a week of work, single mom, no support network, shortage of financial resources, and a pile of stuff I have nowhere to put after moving from a 1400 sq ft apartment.

For garnish add this: Me: Overweight, depressed, and demotivated.

And the cherry on the top: M took the vacuum when we separated, and I have never had the extra cash to purchase a new one! I borrowed the vacuum from work every other day! (thank goodness M gave me a new vacuum for my birthday -- I think he was getting tired of me trying to borrow his!)

What are the chances I can be clean and organized? I seem to battle these issues daily. And more and more I realize, the issue is not about cleaning as it is about a state of mind.

Here is the general cycle I see: I am depressed, I let things slide, I feel worse about letting things slide, I get overwhelmed at having to organize, I let things slide more, I feel guilty for being a better example to my kid, I feel more depressed, and then, like a lightening, the image of what my life SHOULD be like flashes before me, I spend a weekend cleaning, washing, mopping, wiping, and washing my carpets. I feel awesome, powerful, in control! I am happy. On Monday night my kid takes his toy box and pours it out on the living room floor. The living room is so small that it makes walking impossible. Exhausted from cleaning the last two days, I become depressed again, thinking that this cycle will never end. And it starts all over again!

So, to battle this, I have broken things down in small steps. Monday, putting clean laundry away. Tuesday, load of laundry, vacuum, wash dishes. Wednesday, clean out fridge, wipe and bleach bathroom and sinks, change sheets. Thursday, wash out balcony, laundry load. Friday, wash dishes and rest. Saturday, brush the cat, groom the dog, trim their nails as well as A's, vacuum, do weekly shopping. Sunday, wash dishes, vacuum, change sheets, wash clothing, clean car out, wash the balcony, bleach the bathroom and sinks.

Now, I feel a lot better about this, but man, I wish I could just come home one day, and do the Al Bundy (You know, Sit on the couch, feet on the table, turn on the telly, and rest with my hand in pants!). The image of me doing that cracks me up!

Anyway, buried in these details, along with eat, get ready,drive, work, cook, eat, shower, put kid to sleep, pass out, I think I am forgetting to think about the bigger picture. So here is a list of things I would eventually like to make happen:

• I'd like to take A on several road trips. Show him the snow, Drive down Highway1 along the coast, take him camping.
• I'd like to take A to meet my grandma in Bulgaria, who is getting up there in age and I have not seen since the mid 80's
• I'd like a trip to Australia to see my mom and have her meet A too. I have not seen her since Sept. 99!
• I'd like a trip as an adult. To Europe? Hell, even Vegas sounds appealing.
  
• I'd like to volunteer for a non profit and help in a developing country.
• I'd like to start writing again and finally fulfill the need to spill the book living in my head on paper!

I could keep going on. There are mountains I want to climb, Cities I want to see, people I want to meet, things I want to show and teach my child.

For now I am focusing on making life run smoothly. And, in those rare quiet moments, the household asleep, the house silent and dark, covered in my plush blanket, I dream of trips and worlds and miracles I'd like to see and live. I keep the faith that one day, soon, I will be able to begin a trip in my life that will take into account that bigger picture. As I fall asleep, I feel time ticking. Time, a friend and an enemy, goes too fast when you need more of it, and too slow when you don't.

A boy and his dog and a blast from the past

A and the dog are getting along okay. I have to keep reminding myself not to give the dog too much attention. I have noticed that A gets whiny and naughty when I spend too much time with the dog.

Instead I am focusing on involving him more. We bought a clicker for training and I have A train the dog to sit with it. Too bad he enjoys clicking it so much, since it is not working too well with training that way.

I took A and the dog to the beach last weekend and let them play. It was a fun day for both and they both passed out in the car. A, I think, felt more bonded with the dog and his spirits have been up since then. It was a gorgeous day on the beach too.

When we got home that day, my facebook account held a surprise! An old, OLD schoolmate had found and posted a class picture of us, from Grade One, in 1985! I have long lost any pictures from any period in my life prior to coming here in the USA, so the joy I experienced was deep and the rush of emotion, at both how innocent we all look and how much we have all been trough really overwhelmed me.

What shocks me even more is that remember many of these faces and even some of the names. I seem happy in that picture, knowing little that not more than a year or two and we would be leaving the country never to come back again, and that it would take until now, 25 years later, to reconnect with some of those kids.

Mental note: I need to be better at recording A's life and socializing with the parents in his daycare. I want him to remember the friendships he builds.

Paying the price of kindness

I have always believed the saying "what you saw is what you reap". I have tried to live my life with that assumption, and always try to approach the people around me with kindness and compassion. Most of the time my efforts go unacknowledged (which is okay with me). Where M is concerned, the currency for kindness seems to be stress, and humiliation.

I am starting to wonder is I am an all around pushover. I wonder if people read my compassion, my kindness and wish to help, as a weakness to be exploited. Why is it, that in most of the relationships I form in my life, I end up being taken for granted, walked all over, sucked dry, chewed up and spat out?

Honestly, I wish I knew how to be a mean, selfish, begrudging woman. My life would be significantly improved.

There is something in me that urges me to help when someone is in trouble. My friends say that it is the mother in me, but I was always like that, in college, in my teens, in my youth.  So there is no surprise that despite everything M has done, despite the trouble he has been causing for me, when he needs help I offer.

Yesterday it was help in writing a practice essay for a placement test he is taking. I dropped everything I needed to do, drove over to his house, and tried to get him involved.

I helped him sketch an outline of his essay and the argument he is making. He kept getting distracted. It was obvious that, despite the inconvenience for me, he was not really set to do what was needed. I felt like he was wasting my time and good will.  And then he got a phone call. "I'll be right back," he said and walked out of his apartment. Over an hour later, frustrated, I walked out and went home. He had still not returned.

This morning, I lent him my car since his was not working. I felt I had no choice since I wanted to make sure Lil' A is safe. He treated me in a way and spoke to me in a manner that left me feeling furious, humiliated and stupid for helping him.

Maybe this is it? Maybe this is happening in order for me to learn how to be a selfish? To teach me not to let anyone take advantage of me, to teach me that kindness does not pay.

Quitting bad habits

I've had a lot of bad habits in my life.

I started smoking at 14 and have done so on and off since. I successfully hid that habit from M for most of our marriage (6 or 7 years?). That took a lot of effort on my part (and a lot of paranoia).

I did my fair share of exploration in college but settled primarily on the gateway drugs for about a year. Stopped that monkeying around (with some dramatic consequences - it is addictive!) as soon as I graduated.

Food: developed that addiction 4 years into my marriage with M, in order to battle my depression. M's religious beliefs included the one that depression is not a disease, it is a curse and thus needs to be treated spiritually, not medically. I did not share that opinion, and did not, do not , believe in the devil... So I swept it under the rug and covered it up in layers of ice cream, pastries, cakes, french fries etc. 

Assholes: yep... If you ask me what my type is, the first thing that comes to mind: emotionally unavailable, narcissistic assholes. Bonus points if they are tall, dark and mysterious (mysterious = not a 100% involved/there).  No wonder I have a hard time finding anyone attractive these days. Life has taught me that the ones I want are bad for me, and I still have not been able to walk away from that immediate attraction.

So here I am today: No drugs. I just quit smoking and feel great!(2 weeks today), and working on the food issues (that will be a long work in progress!).  So how do I deal with the assholes?

Well, I could swear men off completely. I'd love to. The only problem is that I am... well... needy. Haha. Sorry for beating around the bush (no pun intended!). The eternal curse of HOPE is still upon me. One day, I hope to meet the right guy, one day I hope to be able to have a healthy relationship, one day I hope to be loved the way I deserve.

To get that, I need to break the asshole habit. How? I keep saying that if I ever find another partner he will need to be a friend and then a lover. The issue is that once I form a good friendship, I am no longer romantically interested. I know I am over thinking this, but in a way that is as close I can get to it.

You see, I have no free weekends, no kid free nights, really no adult time at all. The only break I get are the two Fridays a month, from 7 -10 p.m. Total of 6 hours a month. What are the chances of meeting someone new - none. It takes more than that to maintain even the semblance of a friendship with my existing friends, let alone meet someone new. 

I don't know what is worse, being eternally alone and secluded, or happening to meet someone new and not being able to cultivate that friendship. So I grind my teeth and move forward.

I figure now is the time to focus on me. I can break the bad addictions I have now. I can focus on building good habits now. I can take the time to loose the depression weight now. Somehow, in my head, I think that life will sort itself out if I focus on doing right by me. And when it does, I hope I don't screw it up and I hope I break the asshole addiction.

Swine Flu Fears at Work

I work in a wonderful company, with a great mission. I love my job.

One, and only one aspect that used to bother me was the impression that all of my coworkers were germ-a-phobes, and that whenever you happen to sneeze (god forbid it was an actual cough!) people would move away and tell you to go home.

Now, in the context of N1H1 I have started to appreciate the buckets of pocket sized hand sanitizer that sit on each counter, the plug in UV filters, and the fact that people go home BEFORE they actually look sick.

Despite all that we have had 3 confirmed cases of the N1H1. I glad that everyone will be okay, but concerned both about my kid and about the couple of co-workers who are expecting mothers.

Last night Lil A' came down with vomiting and upset tummy. It sounds like to rotovirus but I found myself Googling information in the N1H1 anyway.

I came across a great site where you can enter your symptoms and it will let you know how soon you need to see your doctor and if you may have the N1H1. Additionally it is great as you can print out the questionnaire and give it to your doctor.

Here is the link for everyone else worrying about this at the first sign of a fever/sore throat (insert whatever symptom comes to mind): https://h1n1.cloudapp.net/

The Joy of Puppy Breath

I am not impulsive. I am a planner. My head is constantly swirling with plans for the rest of the day, plans for tomorrow, plans for the future. The must haves, the wants, the some days and the bucket lists (I must remember to share those one day).

More and more I have found it necessary to be more impulsive, and flexible about life. I think it is the nature of single parenthood. You just never know what is around the corner. And yet, I still struggle with feeling out of control when my life does not follow my plans.

But, here is one impulse I am so happy about:

Last Saturday, quite unexpectedly, I found myself the new owner of a gorgeous little (ok, he is HUGE for his age) 8 week old LabX puppy. Lil A immediately named him and the two have been inseparable. That evening I was in disbelief of my own impulse and shocked to have taken such a huge step that will affect our lives for the next decade, at least. But lil A's brimming joy was enough to put me at ease knowing i had done a good thing by him.


I have never shied away from responsibility, but I had forgotten how much work a puppy can be! He is adorable and so smart and has learned Sit and Down already (took him less than a day to figure it out). So there is the reason why I have neglected writing for a week. I have had my hands full, and have truly loved it.