I am lost

Photo borrowed from: Here

So here I am. An identity crisis at hand. Muddled are the waters in which i swim, dark and cloudy. I know the sharks are there, but can not see them. I suspect this fear and confusion are fueled by the fact that i am uncertain of the future, lost in direction and generally in turmoil.

I dream of finding a partner and a soul mate but wonder if my last relationship was damaging enough to make it impossible for me to have one?

I feel so tightly wound up and unable to relax and let go and be me (who is that?). I have spent the last 8-9 years being miserable and I wonder if i remember how to be happy, how to flirt, how to have fun? More importantly, how to have a healthy relationship? I know that one can not have any kind of relationship unless they know who they are and where they are going. Alas, i cycle through knowing who I am and questioning myself or, as in the present moment, being completely lost. It does not help that i have no immediate support network to lean on, that i am battling depression, that i a financially screwed coming out of this marriage, and that i have not as of yet filed for divorce. I am literally living day to day (and on rough days moment to moment), and being completely alone (aside form my gorgeous little angel of a kid), the very thought of the future is exhausting to me.

Then there are moments of such distinct clarity. I see me as the woman I was 10 years ago, joyful, confident, attractive, impulsive and a lot less concerned with the internal workings of my emotions and mind. I used to have such faith in myself and my abilities!

So how does one go on a voyage of self discovery while still being a good mom, a good employee, a good person? How does one with no support find the time to discover themselves?

Perhaps these questions are pointless. Then again, I am 31. I would hate to spend the rest of my life stumbling in the dark, swimming aimlessly in the cloudy waters, being lost.