"I have him"

Photo borrowed from: Here

I have been struggling with lil' A. Its been getting worse for the last few months. At daddy's house he is a little soldier, which makes activities all the more enjoyable. He is also with dad 3 days a week 9-5. The other weekdays he is at daycare. That leaves me with the hard parts of the day: dinner, bath and sleep. Not much time to do much more. I always plan a special trip for us on the weekend, but it is just not enough.

M and I had been working on our 'friendship' until it all fell apart last weekend (again!). I had made the mistake of telling M how much I am struggling as a parent and was not sure how to handle it. M's version of support was to insert himself in every situation. If I tell him lil' A is not behaving he would show up at my house to give him a time out?! What ended up happening is lil' A would purposefully be naughty so his daddy would come over.


can't get this song out of my head

Yesterday, in the heat of another argument with M, in which I told him I was not comfortable with his definition of friendship, he threw at me vengefully: "At least I HAVE him!" nodding in lil' A's direction. The way it was said was more like, at least I have taken possession of him, at least I know he likes me best. What hurts the most is that I believe that. I know the time I spend with lil' A is not as entertaining. I know dad buys him all the cool toys and treats (I can't afford to do that since I am the one paying most of daddy's debts!)

The way M said it, killed me. It made my heart stumble and my stomach turn. In that very statement I read an overt threat to take my son from me (sooner or later). I had to walk out. I was scared of the response that comment brought up in me.

I have been up all night thinking about it. How do I make the little time I have with lil' A, better. How do I 'compete' with the expensive toys, with the manipulator's days, how do I fight for my son's love?