I've had a lot of bad habits in my life.
I started smoking at 14 and have done so on and off since. I successfully hid that habit from M for most of our marriage (6 or 7 years?). That took a lot of effort on my part (and a lot of paranoia).
I did my fair share of exploration in college but settled primarily on the gateway drugs for about a year. Stopped that monkeying around (with some dramatic consequences - it is addictive!) as soon as I graduated.
Food: developed that addiction 4 years into my marriage with M, in order to battle my depression. M's religious beliefs included the one that depression is not a disease, it is a curse and thus needs to be treated spiritually, not medically. I did not share that opinion, and did not, do not , believe in the devil... So I swept it under the rug and covered it up in layers of ice cream, pastries, cakes, french fries etc.
Assholes: yep... If you ask me what my type is, the first thing that comes to mind: emotionally unavailable, narcissistic assholes. Bonus points if they are tall, dark and mysterious (mysterious = not a 100% involved/there). No wonder I have a hard time finding anyone attractive these days. Life has taught me that the ones I want are bad for me, and I still have not been able to walk away from that immediate attraction.
So here I am today: No drugs. I just quit smoking and feel great!(2 weeks today), and working on the food issues (that will be a long work in progress!). So how do I deal with the assholes?
Well, I could swear men off completely. I'd love to. The only problem is that I am... well... needy. Haha. Sorry for beating around the bush (no pun intended!). The eternal curse of HOPE is still upon me. One day, I hope to meet the right guy, one day I hope to be able to have a healthy relationship, one day I hope to be loved the way I deserve.
To get that, I need to break the asshole habit. How? I keep saying that if I ever find another partner he will need to be a friend and then a lover. The issue is that once I form a good friendship, I am no longer romantically interested. I know I am over thinking this, but in a way that is as close I can get to it.
You see, I have no free weekends, no kid free nights, really no adult time at all. The only break I get are the two Fridays a month, from 7 -10 p.m. Total of 6 hours a month. What are the chances of meeting someone new - none. It takes more than that to maintain even the semblance of a friendship with my existing friends, let alone meet someone new.
I don't know what is worse, being eternally alone and secluded, or happening to meet someone new and not being able to cultivate that friendship. So I grind my teeth and move forward.
I figure now is the time to focus on me. I can break the bad addictions I have now. I can focus on building good habits now. I can take the time to loose the depression weight now. Somehow, in my head, I think that life will sort itself out if I focus on doing right by me. And when it does, I hope I don't screw it up and I hope I break the asshole addiction.
I started smoking at 14 and have done so on and off since. I successfully hid that habit from M for most of our marriage (6 or 7 years?). That took a lot of effort on my part (and a lot of paranoia).
I did my fair share of exploration in college but settled primarily on the gateway drugs for about a year. Stopped that monkeying around (with some dramatic consequences - it is addictive!) as soon as I graduated.
Food: developed that addiction 4 years into my marriage with M, in order to battle my depression. M's religious beliefs included the one that depression is not a disease, it is a curse and thus needs to be treated spiritually, not medically. I did not share that opinion, and did not, do not , believe in the devil... So I swept it under the rug and covered it up in layers of ice cream, pastries, cakes, french fries etc.
Assholes: yep... If you ask me what my type is, the first thing that comes to mind: emotionally unavailable, narcissistic assholes. Bonus points if they are tall, dark and mysterious (mysterious = not a 100% involved/there). No wonder I have a hard time finding anyone attractive these days. Life has taught me that the ones I want are bad for me, and I still have not been able to walk away from that immediate attraction.
So here I am today: No drugs. I just quit smoking and feel great!(2 weeks today), and working on the food issues (that will be a long work in progress!). So how do I deal with the assholes?
Well, I could swear men off completely. I'd love to. The only problem is that I am... well... needy. Haha. Sorry for beating around the bush (no pun intended!). The eternal curse of HOPE is still upon me. One day, I hope to meet the right guy, one day I hope to be able to have a healthy relationship, one day I hope to be loved the way I deserve.
To get that, I need to break the asshole habit. How? I keep saying that if I ever find another partner he will need to be a friend and then a lover. The issue is that once I form a good friendship, I am no longer romantically interested. I know I am over thinking this, but in a way that is as close I can get to it.
You see, I have no free weekends, no kid free nights, really no adult time at all. The only break I get are the two Fridays a month, from 7 -10 p.m. Total of 6 hours a month. What are the chances of meeting someone new - none. It takes more than that to maintain even the semblance of a friendship with my existing friends, let alone meet someone new.
I don't know what is worse, being eternally alone and secluded, or happening to meet someone new and not being able to cultivate that friendship. So I grind my teeth and move forward.
I figure now is the time to focus on me. I can break the bad addictions I have now. I can focus on building good habits now. I can take the time to loose the depression weight now. Somehow, in my head, I think that life will sort itself out if I focus on doing right by me. And when it does, I hope I don't screw it up and I hope I break the asshole addiction.
1 comment:
Well, if anything, this should prove to you that you can do anything you set your mind to.
And trust me, when the right guy comes along, you will make it work. You will find the free time.
No more 'hoping'... BELIEVE!!!
:)
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