A better place now

 
When M and I first separated I was in a bad place. I had spent the last 6-7 years giving everything I had. Due to the cyclical nature of his affairs (emotional only supposedly! That's worse!) there was only about 2-3 months a year without the shadow of someone else hanging over our relationship. Who it was, was besides the point. The women changed every few months, whatever the hottest bread of the day was. The issue for me was that there was never the acknowledgment that what he was doing was wrong. I had never been more alone, than when I was in that relationship. It was exasperating to feel abandoned, and yet to be unable to move past or walk away.

After I had lil' A I realized that I had mistaken all the pain I had been in for a symptom of love. If I hurt so bad it must mean I love M so much! Lil' A changed all that. Suddenly I realized life will and has to move forward, with or without M. I realized that the pain was not love. I realized that no matter what, I will go on, I will be okay as long as lil' A was okay.

That last affair M had, I took a different approach. Instead of questioning M about the calls, the evenings away from me and lil' A and the money spent in places he has not been to, I pretended I had no clue, I pretended I was as stupid as he had treated me throughout our marriage.  Meanwhile I collected data. Dates and times, copies of phone records, emails, text messages, even pictures from her myspace page. A docier on one of many emotional affairs. One day, I snapped. Out I told M, out! Out of the house we purchased we could not afford, out of my life, out of the deceit. After throwing the evidence in his face, he could no longer deny it.

Suddenly I was completely alone, with a 6 month old infant. And yet, I did not feel alone at that time and still don't now, compared to those years, trapped in an un-reciprocated marriage.  I picked up some old hobbies to keep me occupied. Painting was one of them.   My first painting was so liberating. So filled with anger, so filled with hope.

Two years later and W, a new friend, told me, "Wow! Look at that painting! I would kill of something like that in my office. Where did you buy it?" What I like about W is that he is somewhat intuitive. It surprised me when he commented on how angry yet peaceful it was. Later that night, I sat amazed. M had hated all my work. He had never bothered to even comment on it. On this particular painting the only thing he said was, "Weird!"

And there was this man, W, who suddenly showed me that what I had wanted from M for so many years actually existed. In so many ways, W renewed my faith in the fact that there are people, men, out there that are good.

Three months later it was W's birthday and a particularly difficult month in terms of finances. I decided to paint him a painting. I used the same color scheme as the original and channeled my energy into our friendship as I painted. When W looked at it he was silent for a long time.

I was so worried he did not like it.

I squirmed and was uncomfortable.

Eventually I spoke, "You can have the other one if you don't like this one!"

"No!" he said, "I love it. I love that you are in such a better place now. I love the joy, the playfulness. It only makes me sad to see how much pain you had compared to this."

And it was true. I am hurting now. Hurting with the questions of existence, of sustenance, of self. These are but toys to tinker with, compared to the hurt, the pain and the darkness that was surrounding me before.

I am in a good place now. I am at the beginning of an open road, and the future is unwritten.