Time is never enough

I feel like I never have enough time.

I keep thinking of some Success/motivation lecture I heard a long time ago (Was it Suze Orman?). To be successful, she said, one needs to be clean and organized. Wow! No wonder i feel like such a failure, I laughed back then. I am not laughing now.

Imagine this:

Main Ingredients: A 680 sq ft apartment. Me, 1 dog (a 11 week old puppy at that!), 1 cat (long haired) and an active 3.5 year old.

Now throw this in: 50 hrs a week of work, single mom, no support network, shortage of financial resources, and a pile of stuff I have nowhere to put after moving from a 1400 sq ft apartment.

For garnish add this: Me: Overweight, depressed, and demotivated.

And the cherry on the top: M took the vacuum when we separated, and I have never had the extra cash to purchase a new one! I borrowed the vacuum from work every other day! (thank goodness M gave me a new vacuum for my birthday -- I think he was getting tired of me trying to borrow his!)

What are the chances I can be clean and organized? I seem to battle these issues daily. And more and more I realize, the issue is not about cleaning as it is about a state of mind.

Here is the general cycle I see: I am depressed, I let things slide, I feel worse about letting things slide, I get overwhelmed at having to organize, I let things slide more, I feel guilty for being a better example to my kid, I feel more depressed, and then, like a lightening, the image of what my life SHOULD be like flashes before me, I spend a weekend cleaning, washing, mopping, wiping, and washing my carpets. I feel awesome, powerful, in control! I am happy. On Monday night my kid takes his toy box and pours it out on the living room floor. The living room is so small that it makes walking impossible. Exhausted from cleaning the last two days, I become depressed again, thinking that this cycle will never end. And it starts all over again!

So, to battle this, I have broken things down in small steps. Monday, putting clean laundry away. Tuesday, load of laundry, vacuum, wash dishes. Wednesday, clean out fridge, wipe and bleach bathroom and sinks, change sheets. Thursday, wash out balcony, laundry load. Friday, wash dishes and rest. Saturday, brush the cat, groom the dog, trim their nails as well as A's, vacuum, do weekly shopping. Sunday, wash dishes, vacuum, change sheets, wash clothing, clean car out, wash the balcony, bleach the bathroom and sinks.

Now, I feel a lot better about this, but man, I wish I could just come home one day, and do the Al Bundy (You know, Sit on the couch, feet on the table, turn on the telly, and rest with my hand in pants!). The image of me doing that cracks me up!

Anyway, buried in these details, along with eat, get ready,drive, work, cook, eat, shower, put kid to sleep, pass out, I think I am forgetting to think about the bigger picture. So here is a list of things I would eventually like to make happen:

• I'd like to take A on several road trips. Show him the snow, Drive down Highway1 along the coast, take him camping.
• I'd like to take A to meet my grandma in Bulgaria, who is getting up there in age and I have not seen since the mid 80's
• I'd like a trip to Australia to see my mom and have her meet A too. I have not seen her since Sept. 99!
• I'd like a trip as an adult. To Europe? Hell, even Vegas sounds appealing.
  
• I'd like to volunteer for a non profit and help in a developing country.
• I'd like to start writing again and finally fulfill the need to spill the book living in my head on paper!

I could keep going on. There are mountains I want to climb, Cities I want to see, people I want to meet, things I want to show and teach my child.

For now I am focusing on making life run smoothly. And, in those rare quiet moments, the household asleep, the house silent and dark, covered in my plush blanket, I dream of trips and worlds and miracles I'd like to see and live. I keep the faith that one day, soon, I will be able to begin a trip in my life that will take into account that bigger picture. As I fall asleep, I feel time ticking. Time, a friend and an enemy, goes too fast when you need more of it, and too slow when you don't.

A boy and his dog and a blast from the past

A and the dog are getting along okay. I have to keep reminding myself not to give the dog too much attention. I have noticed that A gets whiny and naughty when I spend too much time with the dog.

Instead I am focusing on involving him more. We bought a clicker for training and I have A train the dog to sit with it. Too bad he enjoys clicking it so much, since it is not working too well with training that way.

I took A and the dog to the beach last weekend and let them play. It was a fun day for both and they both passed out in the car. A, I think, felt more bonded with the dog and his spirits have been up since then. It was a gorgeous day on the beach too.

When we got home that day, my facebook account held a surprise! An old, OLD schoolmate had found and posted a class picture of us, from Grade One, in 1985! I have long lost any pictures from any period in my life prior to coming here in the USA, so the joy I experienced was deep and the rush of emotion, at both how innocent we all look and how much we have all been trough really overwhelmed me.

What shocks me even more is that remember many of these faces and even some of the names. I seem happy in that picture, knowing little that not more than a year or two and we would be leaving the country never to come back again, and that it would take until now, 25 years later, to reconnect with some of those kids.

Mental note: I need to be better at recording A's life and socializing with the parents in his daycare. I want him to remember the friendships he builds.

Paying the price of kindness

I have always believed the saying "what you saw is what you reap". I have tried to live my life with that assumption, and always try to approach the people around me with kindness and compassion. Most of the time my efforts go unacknowledged (which is okay with me). Where M is concerned, the currency for kindness seems to be stress, and humiliation.

I am starting to wonder is I am an all around pushover. I wonder if people read my compassion, my kindness and wish to help, as a weakness to be exploited. Why is it, that in most of the relationships I form in my life, I end up being taken for granted, walked all over, sucked dry, chewed up and spat out?

Honestly, I wish I knew how to be a mean, selfish, begrudging woman. My life would be significantly improved.

There is something in me that urges me to help when someone is in trouble. My friends say that it is the mother in me, but I was always like that, in college, in my teens, in my youth.  So there is no surprise that despite everything M has done, despite the trouble he has been causing for me, when he needs help I offer.

Yesterday it was help in writing a practice essay for a placement test he is taking. I dropped everything I needed to do, drove over to his house, and tried to get him involved.

I helped him sketch an outline of his essay and the argument he is making. He kept getting distracted. It was obvious that, despite the inconvenience for me, he was not really set to do what was needed. I felt like he was wasting my time and good will.  And then he got a phone call. "I'll be right back," he said and walked out of his apartment. Over an hour later, frustrated, I walked out and went home. He had still not returned.

This morning, I lent him my car since his was not working. I felt I had no choice since I wanted to make sure Lil' A is safe. He treated me in a way and spoke to me in a manner that left me feeling furious, humiliated and stupid for helping him.

Maybe this is it? Maybe this is happening in order for me to learn how to be a selfish? To teach me not to let anyone take advantage of me, to teach me that kindness does not pay.