My life rotates around poop. Although for me that can be quite frustrating, I can appreciate its comical nature from outside.
I wake up at 2.00 a.m. every morning (Ungodly hour!) thinking of: poop. I jump out of bed, half awake, throw on a big sweatshirt, leash the dog and walk him, in eager anticipation of said poop. Its manifestation signifies a quick withdrawal back into the warmth of my home, and into the still warm pillows and blankets of my bed. I drift off back into deep slumber, realizing, that the full poop bag was accidentally placed in my sweatshirt pocket instead of the thrash can. That's what I get for sleepwalking the dog. I rise, resentfully and dig the bag out of the sweatshirt pocket and go back outside into the cold, to drop the sleep offering into the street garbage can. YUK.
Relieved, I retire to my bed, and drift off to sleep.
Mornings, at 6, I repeat the ritual, this time much more alert and happy. Occasionally, when our 2 a.m. walks are especially productive, i stop at the fenced dog park and let the dog off leash, stimulating him to take care of business. It does not always work.
I then return home, shower and wake up the little kid, Breakfast is usually followed by patient story times while waiting for him to... POOP on the potty.
Scoop the kitty box, take out the trash, head to school/work.
Depending on how our 6 a.m. walk went, I am thinking about Poop all morning at work. I HATE poop in my house. So at lunch, resentful, i drive home, and take the pup out again. Usually this time, the end result is plentiful.
Back at work, i am relieved, that the pup is relieved. I focus on work, and planning the usual dog play dates in the evenings.
After work I pick up the kid, make sure he poops before we go, and head to the dog park, where 6 out of 10 times, the kid steps in, rolls in and somehow gets into.. well.. you guessed it - POOP. The pup in the other hand likes to hold out, awaiting his 2.00 a.m. walk. Argh!
Washing dog poop off sneakers is fun. First off you need the right tools. A skewer stick, a bristle brush, and something to plug up your nose. You use the stick to scrape the poop stuck in the grooves of the souls, and the brush to brush out the rest. Poop on clothing requires special care too. Poop in hair is tricky, since washing it can often get it all over the tub, and sometimes, when the kid is especially wiggly in his face. GOOD LORD, I am POOPED out by then!
Now, the pup is actually Lab mix. Those knowing Labs are already nodding knowingly. When you have a Lab puppy, you basically assume everything in your house is edible. Socks, undies are delicacies. Leather bound books, shoes and pillows are great chew toys. Wiring electronics and cell phones, are pure destruction.
Having a Lab means, that in addition to walking, playing chewing and eating, I also have this duty I call POOP WATCH. Basically, after particularly destructive chewing episodes, I have to observe and note poop consistency, color, and speed of manifestation, to assure no blockage. Also, when picking up said poop, I have to squish it (I use a bag!!!!_) around in the bag to ascertain content - be it a whole sock, or partial elastic band from kids undies.
The other day, while on poop watch, i was performing my duties in the park, when i noticed what looked like a folded bill. Now my kid folds money like that all the time, and leaves it around. His grandpa gives him $100 bills every so often (don't get me started!). So seeing a folded bill in the puppy poop presented me with a dilemma... How much money would the bill have to be for me not to pull it out? Well i did have to break up the poop, and pull the folded bill out (still whole) and unfold it. DOllar bill - Damn! I threw it in the garbage with the poop, only to realize that a family with their two pre-teens were sitting across from me. Their faces told the story of not having ever owned a dog...
So, here is to my daily life of poop. I love it as it is. I love my kid, I love my dog, and would not change it for anything. But if I ever win the lottery. . . I am hiring a dog walker and a poop watcher. Amen!
