In 1996, when I first arrived at Stanford, I was young, an idealist, and a hedonistic idiot. Regardless, on my first day to class, my eyes rested on a handsome, young man who was obviously from Canada (flag on back pack, predictable and a sure sign). He had an immediate effect on me, like a punch in the stomach, butterflies in the chest, and too much champagne in the head.
Forget the fact that he was two heads shorter than me, every time I saw him heading for that classroom door, my breath stopped and I was ready to pass out. Really... I am not talking about infatuation (ok, actually I am!!!), but an immediate, involuntary physical response to that boy.
Days dragged on into weeks. I do not recall how it was that we finally spoke to each other, or even what was said. My memory conveniently skips from those gut wrenching moments of anonymity, to the lonely craving and wishing, and the constant self restraint when spending time with him, for as you may guess, he had a girlfriend back home.
All that changed, with one stolen (or perhaps more accurately, tempted) kiss. We, a group of 6, were watching a movie in his room. My memory, still vague on the details, remembers 4 people climbing up on the bunk above. Me and him on his bed, below, watching a movie. Somehow, I was lying next to him and he had his arm around me.
I remember struggling for breath from his proximity. I was too scared to move, lest he let go, or move away, trying to control my body from shivering... Somehow, i had turned, and he leaned forward. Our lips met, not in some hot fiery french kiss, but in the sweetest, most memorable 'kiss' i have ever had. As if just passing by, our lips fluttered onto each other, barely feeling the others. It was as sensation much like a memory, so light, so tender, that one wonders if it ever happened. But his lips did not move away, they tickled and relaxed into a warm, tender embrace of mine. I was paralyzed, both in sensory overload, in fear of it stopping, in disbelief of it happening.
Alas, the things that burn the hottest and brightest, burn out the fastest. "We need to talk" he said and pulled me off the bed and outside. The other 4 people in his room wondered what had happened...
Outside, on the fence by his dorm, he sat facing me, holding my hand. "You know this can't happen again, right?" He asked. The girlfriend, and his ethics would not permit it. I don't remember if I was able to hold my tears back. I know I cried for many days after that. We could have had something amazing.
I moved pretty fast after that. I had decided to never give my heart away again. It was logic that would drive me. I met a guy from a local frat and within 2 weeks we were a couple. As long I was with that frat boy, no one could break my heart (as it did not belong to anyone, i thought). I remember a couple of months later at a party, I saw the Canadian. He approached me as if wanting to talk to me... then frat boy came by from the other side... "Meet my boyfriend!" i had said flippantly. I saw his face change, he politely said good bye.
A few months later i found out he stopped out of college to pursue an acting career. The next time I saw him was not until 2000, when I was already married, and working in a local coffee house. He stopped by, excited to have seen me. He noticed my ring and said (with hidden disappointment), are you engaged? No, I told him, flippantly like before, I am married. One more bad decision, where my heart had not been involved.
By pure accident, through a FB friend's pictures I fell upon a current picture of the Canadian today. Instantly, as if time had not passed, i felt my gut clench, my chest hurt, my head swim. Hot tears rolled in my eyes, and I remembered the sweetness of that kiss. My heart never forgot him.
I played it safe. I added him to my linkedin account where there are no pictures showing the decline of my body, the weight, the wrinkles of marriage. He accepted immediately with a warm, sweet message.
So now, I struggle... I feel unattractive, unworthy, but want to see him, hear him talk, catch up... I want to ask him out to lunch, but am scared, scared of putting myself out there, scared of rejection (he is single, but i am certainly not what I looked like the last time I saw him!), scared I might fall in love with him, again, scared I might discover he is not perfect (inevitable!).
I am scared of letting my heart live again.
No comments:
Post a Comment