The world is changing

Photo borrowed from: Here

The world is changing.

Such a simple statement encompasses so much.

The world around me is changing: the weather, the economy, the environment, the workplace. My son is changing day to day, growing and viewing everything around him with new eyes. Politics and perceptions are changing. Fashion, pop trends, technology are all changing. The days of the tape (us oldies had music on those things) and the VHS are over.

And here I am, standing still, dizzy as the changes spin round and round me. I know I am supposed to move with them but I am frozen in awe, unable to move.

Today, I promised myself I am going to move forward. Aside for the fact that I need closure and an end to my marriage with M, I need to dig myself out this financial hole that seems to bring me down.

You see, I make a decent living. $88K a year should get me pretty far, but instead I am poorer then I was 10 years ago when I was but a waitress making $20K a year. I want to blame it all on M (The house I did not want to buy - foreclosed; the car I did not want to buy - upside down and owe 30K on it; the credit cards I warned him not to use; the IRS debt because he did not change his withholding after losing the house; the state tax debt; all of it), I know that although he was the one that wanted all of these things, I participated, even if through the fact that I did not stop it, in all of that spending. Here I am, carrying the burden of it.

My car registration is due in 2 weeks. It is almost $500. I am at a loss how I am going to make that happen. I have no emergency fund, I empty my accounts less than 3 days after every pay period. This is just not right. So, today is the day of change. Something needs to change, somehow.

M and I got into a discussion on divorce. As usual he thought he could manipulate the conversation. He wanted me to come by his house to see what the papers looked like. I told him I did not need to. I have had them sitting on my laptop for a year. He asked me if I wanted to file. Hell yeah! He insisted on asking again. Yes, I am 100% sure. I can't afford to do it now, but can file by November. At this point I still read his line of questioning as a sign he was finally on board with doing this. Sadly I was wrong.

A while into the conversation I realize that he wanted me to look at the papers thinking it would dissuade me. The finality of it. The legality of it. I found myself re living the same conversation (different topic) as before: Telling him plain and simple what I wanted and him not accepting it. I must have said I want to end this nightmare a few times. I know I said I want a divorce at least 20 times. And still he pushed on.

He asked me to wait.
How long? I wondered out loud.
A few years, he had the nerve to say. I can prove to you I can be a good friend.
What does friendship have to do with staying married?

That is when he made it clear: He can only be my friend and cordial and communicate with me if the chance that we can get together is there. A chance I am not willing to offer.

I tried to tell him the two have nothing in common, and that, if he wanted my friendship, it is that very chance I needed to close, before i could let him in even a little bit. It is the very thought that if I were to invite him to join us for dinner, for example, he would (and has in the past) take it as a sign that I am open to letting him back into my life, that stops me from offereing him my friendship. I am not willing to lead him on into his hope, in the name of friendship. I will never be with him again.

The finality of these types of statements don't seem to phase him. Instead he urges on, as if I had conceded.

Initially I told him I would file by November 30th. Somehow he managed to push back enough where I found myself giving him till February. I kicked myself for doing that, as in that very act I know I gave him the strength to push more. I know come January he will be back into asking me to postpone.

2 days later he announced to me that he is getting a second job during the days that he cares for Lil' A. He says that he will take Lil A the night before and return him at the end of the next day, while leaving him in the care of my sister in law during the day. I panicked. You see, I am a working mom and the only times during the work week I have with my child are the evenings. I am not willing to give up 10 evenings a month in order for my son to be cared for by a distant relative.

To top it off, M also informed me that he will be going to school full time and working full time starting January. That means he will no longer care for Lil' A the 10 week-days a month he has until now. He 'graciously' offered me $250 a month towards A's pre-school costs.

I am starting to wonder if M has some mental disease, some disconnect with reality. I have a hard time believing that anyone who asserts himself as a caring, loving father, as a man who supposedly wishes to get his wife back, can be so downright selfish. Perhaps that is why he needs me back. So he can use me as a fluffy carpet to walk on when his toes are cold.

So there, change is gonna happen and I can sit there stunned and let the world whirl by me, or I can be more active and involved in the change itself.

I have lived my life with the idea that every person is good and that what you dish out is what you get back. And yet, those who are closest to me, or were, have proven that thinking to be wrong.

My coworker told me it is time for me to be selfish and do what is right for me. I have spent every moment of my life giving to others, supporting, listening, compromising. I don't know how to be selfish, I don't want to and don't know how to stomp on others to get what I need. And yet, come January I have to. I have to change.