TRAUMA

Trauma: This is what the evaluation specialist determined the issue was. After the last 2 weeks I decided to see if I can go back into therapy. I had to get evaluated in order to determine the type of counseling I needed. The determination was Trauma. I realize now that this is probably a correct evaluation.

I have spent the last few years made up a million excuses as to why M was like this. I now realize that I was in part blaming myself.

Last week M’s ex-“roommate” called me. She wanted to talk to me. She had questions. I had wondered if I was about his attempted suicide 4 days earlier. She barely touched on that. She wanted to know about the past. The questions shocked me. They were basic and came from a place of complete delusion about the facts. I found out more from these questions than I could have ever imagined. Apparently I am a bloodthirsty lawyer who earns $300,000 a year. I own a gorgeous mansion in the hills but harass him for large amounts of money to support lil’ A. I am a terrible mother and neglectful. I don’t help him with anything and I have been ‘chasing him’ all these years.

I also found out that he was dating her long before he asked for a second chance, before he even moved back in with me two years ago, and all the late night calls he was doing while walking the dog when he lived with me were to her. I already knew that but was surprised to find out he had told her he was living with his pastor at that time. The number of lies was so sheer, so imaginative, so detailed that I was entirely overwhelmed.

In August when he moved out they had already agreed on living together. Meanwhile he had me posting ads for roommates well into September. She admitted he was her first ‘real’ boyfriend and she had lost her virginity to him. This was while we were still living together (but luckily I had cut him off physically long before).

The lies to her spoke louder than anything about the lies he told me about her and his relationship with her. I did not ask her any questions. I did not have to. She shared with me the birthday celebrations he made for her (an exact repetition of mine), and the ‘special’ activities he had done with her (I had no heart to tell her they are but a part of standard repertoire.)

Before she left she sat there, holding back her tears. She the voiced the one thing that I had been asking myself over the years: “What did I do wrong to deserve this type of treatment? Why did he do this to me?” Her pain, he blame of herself, her reaction shredded me on the inside.

I think I was in shock for most of that day. The next morning I woke up numb. I realized my whole life, my whole reality, my whole understanding of the last 10 years was a lie. And then the final punch: He is sick, this is sick, this is a serious psychiatric issue. I am full of anger. I am full of blame for what she is going through. I am full of confusion, my view of the last 10 years turned completely on its head.

Trauma. Certainly.